Army Paratrooper: Kills the snake and receives a medal.
Army Paratrooper (alt): Lands on snake then kills it.
Army Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.
Army Armor (alt): Runs over snake. Never knows it, as well as where he is on the battlefield. And continues directly ahead wondering what all those new buttons in his turret do.
Army Light Infantry: Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake.
Army (Mech) Infantry: Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty. Ouch! Hey,that's not a kitty cat.
Army Artillery: Kills the snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive time on target using three Field Artillery Brigades in support. The mission is a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks, etc.)
Army Aviation: Has 10 digit grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and a manicure.
Army Ranger: Plays with snake then eats it.
Army Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.
Navy SEAL (alt): Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL and dies of salt-water poisoning.
Marine Force Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.
Air Force Figher Pilot: Misidentifies the snake as a Hind helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.
Air Force Combat Controller: Assaults area, killing everyone enroute, then guides the snake in elsewhere.
Air Force Para-rescue: Injures the snake upon descent, then feverishly works to save snake's life.
Army Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes. Combat Engineers: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).
Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadlines snake and order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later, but the snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through improper channels.
Quartermaster: Captures snake, applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found on Installation (FOI). Inputs information into property book. Has company commander sign for snake, green, one each, on non-expendable hand receipt.
Quartermaster (alt): Encounters snake, then loses contact. Can not identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through supply channels. Once to higher, request is denied... issuing the unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance.
SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel . . . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not.
Navy SeaBees: Builds snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still.
Transportation: Soldier replies "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck."
Military Intelligence: Reports to ground troops that snake is a non-combatant. 6 infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible threat.
Military Intelligence (alt): Locates snake without snake knowing it. Studies snake and its movements. Reports back to company commander on snake's location and movement. Snake discovers its location has been compromised. Snake disappears.
MP: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations.
Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.
Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.
Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.
Army Shrink. Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings about its mother.
War Correspondent. Decides snake is patriotic nationalist agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S. troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.